Important Thing                                                            LJ00191

Teacher: Little Johnny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

Little Johnny : Me!





In Love                                                                           LJ00192

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," Little Johnny said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."





Indifferent                                                                      LJ00193

One day, during English class, the teach says, "Who can tell me the meaning of 'indifferent'?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows.

Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand.

The teacher, hesitant, call on him. "Yes, Johnny?"

"Teach, it's means 'lovely'."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think 'indifferent' means 'lovely'?"

"Sure, teach. Last nite when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, 'That's lovely.' Dad replied to her, 'Yep, it's in different.'"





Insects                                                                            LJ00194

Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

Little Johnny: Don't bite any.





Iodine                                                                             LJ00195

A Doctor was walking down the street and saw Little Johnny with a bottle of iodine that he was spilling on the sidewalk.

The Doctor said to him, "Son, you shouldn't waste that iodine, I put some on a lady this morning and she passed a baby."

Little Johnny looks up and says "Hell Doc, that's nothing, I put some on my dogs ass and he passed a motorcycle!"





Is Your Daddy Home                                                     LJ00196

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?".

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?".

"Yes.", whispered Little Johnny.

May I talk with him?", the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?".

"Yes.", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?". Again Little Johnny whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?".

"No, he's busy.", whispered Little Johnny.

"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?".

"A hello-copper.", answered the whispering Little Johnny.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"





Is Your Mother Home?                                                 LJ00197

Salesman at the door: Is your mother at home?

Little Johnny: Yes.

Sales man: May I talk to her?

Little Johnny: She isn't here.

Salesman: But you just said, she was at home.

Little Johnny: She is. This isn't our house.





Getting To Heaven                                                        LJ00198

Little Johnny died and went to Heaven. He waited in a long line at the Pearly Gates until he was the only one left. St. Peter said to Little Johnny, "I'll give you one week to answer these questions and I'll let you come into heaven. Here are the questions you must answer correctly when you come back in seven days. Number one: How many seconds are there in a year? Number two: How many days of the week start with the letter T and what are they? and Number three: What is Jesus' name? Your seven days begins when you wake up."

The next thing Little Johnny realizes is he's back at home. He begins to look for answers.

The next week, Little Johnny is standing at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter again and he states that he has found all the answers. "Number one," he says, "How many seconds are there in a year? Well, there are 12."

"How did you come up with that?"

"Well there's the second of January, the second of February..."

"Ok, it's not the answer I was looking for but it's right nonetheless. You may proceed to question two."

"Ok, there are two days in a week that start with the letter T and they are Today and Tomorrow."

"Ok, I'll let that one pass too. What is Jesus' name?"

"Andy."

"How did you come up with Andy?"

"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me..."





Talking To God                                                             LJ00199

Little Johnny was talking to God and asked Him: "God how long is a million years to you?"

And God answered: "A million years is like a minute."

Then Little Johnny asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally Little Johnny asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"

And God said, "In a minute, Little Johnny."





Johnny And Dad                                                            LJ00200

As he's walking home from school, a kid goes whizzing past on a pair of roller-blades. "Kewl!", thinks Little Johnny, and races home to find his Dad.

"Dad," he says, "Can I get a pair of roller-blades?"

His Dad thought for a minute, then said, "Little Johnny?"

"Yes Dad?"

"Is your willy long enough to reach your bottom?"

Little Johnny cast his eyes downward, saying, "Noooo..."

"Well," says Dad, "You can't be old enough for roller-blades then, can you?"

"Awwwww, Daaaaad," whined Little Johnny as he skulked off to his room.

The next day, on his way home from school, a kid goes whizzing past on a mountain bike. "Kewl!" says Little Johnny. He races home to find his Dad. "Daaaaad....can I have a mountain bike," he says beseechingly.

"Little Johnny," says his father, a wicked gleam in his eye.

"Yes," Little Johnny squeaked, afraid of what was to follow.

"Is your willy long enough to reach your bottom?"

"Noooo," the poor boy moaned.

"Well," his father says smugly, "you can't be old enough for a mountain bike then, can you?"

Little Johnny hung his head and slipped quietly to his room to dream of having his own roller-blades and mountain bike.

The next day, on his way home from school, Little Johnny found an old lottery ticket in the gutter. He picked it up and took it to a nearby store, only to find he'd won a million dollars!! With a whoop of joy, he took off to the nearest sports store and bought a pair of roller-blades and a mountain bike.

As he wobbled up the drive to his house on his flash new bike, his Dad approached with a stern look on his face and said, "Little Johnny, where did you get those from?"

Little Johnny stuck his chin in the air, puffed out his chest and said, "I found a lottery ticket and I won a million dollars!"

His father thought for a while, then said slowly, "Really? Let's see: $100,000 a year to raise you, for seven years so far. Little Johnny, you owe me $700,000."

Little Johnny looked his Dad in the eye and said, "Dad, is your willy long enough to reach your bottom?"

"Ah-haah!" thought Dad, "I've got him here!"

"Why yes, my son my son," he said smugly, "It is."

"Good," says Little Johnny, "Then go fuck yourself."