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		Grasshoppers LJ00161 Little Johnny came in from playing one day and asked his mother if there was such thing as boy grasshoppers. Little Johnny's mother replied, "Of course dear, why do you ask?" Little Johnny with a puzzled look on his face then asked "Is there such thing as girl grasshoppers?" Knowing a 5 year-old wouldn't understand anything about the birds and the bees, Little Johnny's mother replied "No honey." "OK, just wondering" Little Johnny said as he smiled and walked out the door, clapping his hands and yelling "FAGGOTS, FAGGOTS!" Graves LJ00162 Little Johnny and his mom were visiting the grave of the his grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, Llittle Johnny asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" Grocery Store Etiquette LJ00163 Little Johnny and his dad went to the grocery store and were in line at the checkout counter when Johnny says to his dad, "Look at that lady in front of us, daddy, she's fat." The man notices the lady but politely tells Little Johnny, "That's not a nice thing to say." Little Johnny continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, she's REALLY fat." The man said, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and quit saying those things." Just then the lady's pager went off and Little Johnny said, "Watch out dad, she's backing up!" Grown Up Words LJ00164 The kindergarteners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana." The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said "I went for a trip on a choo-choo." The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer. Little Johnny proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. Little Johnny puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit." Birthday Gifts LJ00165 Little Johnny and Willy were twins, and for their 13th birthday, Willy got a bicycle while Little Johnny got a little portable radio. Willy hopped up on his bike and went to town. On the way he sees the Gerald's house on fire, firetrucks, the whole bit. He spins around and peddles as fast as he could back home. "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I saw a fire at old man Gerald's! There was fire engines! Firemen! and EVERYTHING!!!" Little Johnny looks up and says, "Yeah, I know, I heard about it 10 minutes ago on the news on my radio." Willy scowls and jealously mutters, "You and your fuckin' radio!" and storms off, to go riding again. In town he sees just about the most exciting thing ever! Police, sirens, and all kinds of excitement, because the local bank had been robbed." He races home as fast as he can, starts hollering before he's even completely in the door, "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what?" Little Johnny dryly interrupts with, "The bank was robbed?" Willy scowls and storms off, muttering, "You and your fuckn' radio!" Well, this time he pedals clear through town, and out into the countryside on the other side. A few miles up the road he sees a poor little pig with its head stuck in a fence. He grins, parks the bike, climbs down the bank, pulls his pants down and gives it to the porker. Then he races as fast as he could all the way home... "Little Johnny! Little Johnny! Guess what? I just had my first sexual experience!" Little Johnny looks up, dismisses Willy with a wave, "Bah! In a pig's ass you did!" "You and your fuckin' radio!" mutters Willy, as he cycles off. Guess Who LJ00166 Little Johnny was sitting in class on the last day of school. Tthe teacher decides to play a game to let a few student go home early. She says she will say a famous quote, and who ever can guess who said it can go home. Tthe teacher says "Who said 'Four score, and seven years ago'"? Little Johnny raised his hand thinking he was going home early, and Sarah blurts out, "Abraham Lincoln!". The teacher said this was correct and let her leave. The teacher asked the next question. "Who said 'I have a dream.'?" Little Johnny knows this one for sure so he raises his hand while saying me me me pick me. Jenni blurts out "Martin Luther!" The teacher lets her go. The teacher says "OK, one more, who said 'Ask not your country can do for you.'" Sally blurts out "JFK" before the teacher is even finished. The teacher lets Sally go home. The teacher says thats the end of the game and starts walking back to the chalk board. Little Johnny blurts out "I wish these fuckin bitches would shut up." The teacher turns around and said "Who said that?" Little Johnny stands up and says "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?" Guinea Pig LJ00167 Dad," asked Little Johnny, "Can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?" "Here's twenty dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl" Gum LJ00168 Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? Little Johnny: You said it was my lunch money. Hair LJ00169 "Mommy, mommy, why daddy got so few hairs on his head?" "He thinks a lot." "And why you got so many?" "Go eat your breakfast." Harassment LJ00170 Teacher: "Use 'harassment' in a sentence." Little Johnny: "Her mouth said 'no', but her ass meant 'yes'."