Getting To Heaven                                                        LJ00151

Little Johnny's exasperated mother finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

Little Johnny thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Johnny, come in or stay out.'"





Gift From Santa                                                            LJ00152

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is Little Johnny on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to Little Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Little Johnny says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue Little Johnny a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring him, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

Little Johnny says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."





You Don't Have One Of These                                     LJ00153

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*."

The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother.

The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*."

But the little girl just keeps on playing.

"How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny.

"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."





Going A-Courtin'                                                           LJ00154

Pappy sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya  going boy?"

Little Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." Little Johnny said. "And look what you got!"





Dead Goldfish                                                                LJ00155

One day Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate.

"Whatcha doin?" he asked.

Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.

Johnny shot back, "That's because he's inside your cat!"





Money Trick                                                                  LJ00156

Little Johnny's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa calls over 6 year old Little Johnny and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of.

After a while, grandpa notices that Little Johnny is losing interest in the conversation, so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Little Johnny and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses.

Little Johnny reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.

Grandpa, pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again he tells Little Johnny to take one of the bills and keep it.

Little Johnny grabs the other ten.

Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Little Johnny over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Little Johnny is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Little Johnny chooses the ten over the twenty.

Grandpa finally shows the stunt to his Daddy.  Little Johnny's Daddy is quite surprised, but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.

A few hours later, Daddy who is very concerned about Little Johnny's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten dollar bill and a twenty.

"Of course," answers Little Johnny.

"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty," asks Dad.

Little Johnny, with a wide smile answers, "Well Dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"





Good Shot                                                                      LJ00157

Little Johnny is in the toilet with his mum. She's on the can and he says, "Mummy! What's that between your legs?"

"That's where me and daddy were having a fight. He threw an axe at me," she said.

"Fucking good shot," he said, "right up the cunt."





Grammer Class                                                             LJ00158

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f-cking beautiful!'"





Grandpa And Viagra                                                     LJ00159

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks Little Johnny. Grandpa replies.

"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."





Grandpa In The hospital                                               LJ00160

Little Johnny goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."

Little Johnny is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."