Final Exam                                                                    LJ00141

Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he missed.

The principal agreed so they called Little Johnny into the office and explained to him what they were going to do.

Then the teacher asked, "Johnny, what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?" Little Johnny replied, "Legs."

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?" Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy" Little Johnny replied. "Rome."

The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?" The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong"





Fire Engine                                                                    LJ00142

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon.  It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.  When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son.  But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."





First Time                                                                      LJ00143

Little Johnny pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Little Johnny recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.

"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaaaa."





Fishing With Grandpa                                                   LJ00144

A man and his grandson, Little Johnny, are fishing by a peaceful lake, beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try some of your cigarettes?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" the grandfather asks.

"No" says Little Johnny.

"Then you're not big enough."

A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he asks.

"No" says Little Johnny.

"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, " They look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" asks Johnny.

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

"Then go fuck yourself," says Johnny, "these are my cookies!"





Teaching Mickey                                                           LJ00145

Little Johnny was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Little Johnny said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the hell happened?!?"

Little Johnny said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."





Food Warnings                                                              LJ00146

Mother and Little Johnny returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" Little Johnny explained, "I'm looking for the seal."





Fried Worms                                                                 LJ00147

Little Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The doc asked "What would you like to eat?"

"Worms" Little Johnny said. The doc was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupfull. Placing them on a plate, the doc said "Here they are."

"I want them fried" was the response.

The nurse took them and had them fried.

When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.

The doc took one and in a strong voice said "Here is only one. Now eat it."

"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.

The doc swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny.

The boy began to cry. The doc asked what was now wrong.

Little Johnny said "You ate my half!"





Sex Education                                                                LJ00148

Teacher is giving a lecture on sexual intercourse, after the lecture she instructs the children to go home and watch TV and find something that has to do with the subject.

The next day she asks the class to tell what they learned.  "Raise your hand if you learned anything." she said

Little Sally raises her hand and the teacher says, "What did you learn Sally?"

Sally says, "I watched Ben Casey and they were having babies all over the place"

Then Jessica raises her hand and the teacher says, "What did you see?"

Jessica says, "I watched General Hospital and the nurses were screwing every body."

At that point the teacher said, "We can't have that kind of language in class."

After several more students had related their stories the teacher called on Little Johnny whose hand had been up forever, "OK Johnny what did you see on tv last night?"

Little Johnny said, "I watched a Gene Autry movie and Gene was riding across the prairie when ten thousand Indians ambushed him, but Gene was not afraid, he took out his six shooter and shot and killed every one of them god-damn Indians.

The teacher reprimanded Little Johnny for his language and then ask him what that had to do with sex.

Little Johnny replied  "IT TAUGHT THEM GOD DAMN INDIANS NOT TO FUCK AROUND WITH GENE AUTRY."





Magic Words                                                                 LJ00149

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by Little Johnny, who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, Little Johnny continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into Little Johnny's ear.

Instantly, Little Johnny calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."





Geography Class                                                           LJ00150

"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked Little Johnny.

"I didn't have no breakfast," Little Johnny mumbled.

"You poor dear," said the teacher.

"Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?"

"In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."