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Definition Of Politics LJ00111
Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it
for school tomorrow."
The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.
So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack
that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people,
and the future's full of crap."
Definitions LJ00112
Little Johnny and his father were walking down the street one day, and two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady. Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."
Little Johnny, never heard those words before, turns to his dad. "Dad, what are bags and bitches?"
"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.
"Oh, okay," said Johnny.
The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the washroom to watch his daddy shave. While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Oh shit," he said.
"Daddy, what's shit?" asked Little Johnny.
"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his father.
Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a turkey. As his mother reached into the
oven, she burnt her hand. "Fuck!" she yells.
"Mom, what's fuck?" questionned Johnny.
"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."
"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.
All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.
"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.
"Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs shitting himself and my mom's downstairs fucking the turkey."
Collecting LJ00113
Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen...
Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts
sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."
He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
Math LJ00114
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!
Dinner Guests LJ00115
One night Johnny's parents were getting ready to have dinner guests. In actuality,
his dad's boss and wife. As Johnny was walking by the phone on his way to his room, his dad, who was using the phone, yells into the receiver, "What kind company do company do you bastards at MCI run calling people all of the time trying to make us switch! No you bastards. Good Bye!!!" With that, he slams down the receiver.
Now Johnny had never heard the word 'bastards' before so he asked his dad what it meant.
His father, who had been unaware
of Johnny's presence blurted out, "It's another word for ladies or gentlemen. Now go and help your mother in the kitchen. I have to get ready."
Johnny, being the good son he was, obediently walks over to the kitchen just as his mother is taking putting the chicken in the oven.
"Fuckin' bird!" she screams as she burns her hand on the hot oven door.
Now Johnny had never heard the word 'fuckin' before so he asked his mother what it meant.
His
mother turns at the sound of his voice and thinking fast answers that it is another word for cooking and he should run upstairs and get ready for company.
Like a good kid Johnny runs upstairs and just as he's walking by the bathroom he hears his dad say, "Shit!" Wondering what that could mean, Johnny steps into the bathroom and asks what that meant.
His dad answers, while trying to staunch the flow of blood from the razor inflicted wound, "It's just another
word for shaving cream."
Suddenly, the door bell rings. Johnny ran and opened the door.It seemthat their guest had arrived. "Hello, little boy !", one of the guest said.
"Daddy ! We have a couple of bastards here !", Johnny shouted.
The two guest, a lady and a gentleman got shocked. "Well, you must be Johnny", replied one of the guest, "Where is your parents, kid ?"
"Well, sir, my mom is fuckin' in the kitchen and
dad is using shit in the bathroom," Johnny answered, "Would you come in and have a seat, sir?"
Dirty LJ00116
TEACHER: Little Johnny, why do you always get so dirty?
LITTLE JOHNNY : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
Discover America LJ00117
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!
Homework LJ00118
"Little Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it." was his solemn response.
"Little Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Little Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"
Dogs Are Like People LJ00119
Little Johnny was out with his grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, grandma?" asked little Johnny.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she replied, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they grandma?" said little Johnny.
"How do you mean?" asked grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said little Johnny, "and they fuck you everytime!"
Homework LJ00120
Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. "What did you learn today?" she asked.
"Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly.
The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.
Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it's all part of the curriculum."
A few hours later, the
grandmother was reading when her daughter announced dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating. "Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat."
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