Kicking The Chickens                                                   LJ00101

Little Johnny was playing in the farm yard one morning.

The chickens were out running around, and getting in Little Johnny's way.  In a temper tantrum he started running after them and kicking them.  His mother caught him kicking the chickens, and said, "That's it! No eggs for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny was playing in the pasture, and soon started chasing the cattle and kicking them with his feet. His mother again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No milk for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen when his father came in from the barn.  As he closed the door the barnyard cat slipped into the kitchen.  Johnny's father gave the cat a kick back outside.

Little Johnny looked at his mother and said  "Are you going to tell him, Mommy, or do you want me to?"





Dancing                                                                          LJ00102

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex.

"What are you doing?" Johnny asks.  "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother.  "What's daddy doing?" "He's my partner, now run along."

A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend.  "What are you doing?" "Ummm, dancing."   "What's your boyfriend doing?"  "He's my partner, now get out of here!"

Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house.  Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat. "What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks. "Why I'm dancing."said his grandfather. "Well, where is your partner?" His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."





Dark Secrets                                                                  LJ00103

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this  makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."  The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please  don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. Little Johnny greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."





Davy Crocket                                                                LJ00104

There's this school down in South Texas where there are very few white kids, mostly all hispanic.  (Mexican).  The teacher is asking for the kids to identify famous quotes.  She says, "Who said 'ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?", and little Johnny raises his hand, but she calls on Maria, who answers, "John F Kennedy".

Then she asks who said, "I have a dream.....", and little Johnny raises his hands, both of them, and waves them around, but she calls on Juan, who says, "Martin Luther King".

Well, this continues with quotes from F.D.R., and Winston Churchill, right on down the list, towards the end, little Johnny, sitting in the back of the room is standing on his desk, jumping up and down, but she still doesn't call on him.

Finally the bell rings, and in the confusion and noise of the kids pushing out, a voice from the back of the room yells, "To hell with all those fuckin' Mexicans.  The teacher hollers out, "WHO SAID THAT", and little Johnny says, "Davy Crockett, at the Alamo"





Dear God                                                                       LJ00105

Little Johnny needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it.  He prayed for two weeks and nothing turned up.  So he decided to write to God requesting the money.

When the postal worker seen the letter he decided to send it to the president.  The president was so impressed that he told his secretary to send the boy a check for $5.  He thought that would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Little Johnny was delighted with the five dollars and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read as follows:

Dear God, thank you very much for sending me the money.  I noticed you had send it through Washington. As usual, those losers deducted $95.





Dear Santa                                                                     LJ00106

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December.  Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, filled with illusion I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year.   I'll fuck you up.  I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike.

FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT SON OF A BITCH.

Sincerely,
Little Johnny





Death                                                                             LJ00107

Little Johnny and his dad came across his puppy, dead in the back yard.  Daddy explained that Tiddles had gone to heaven.

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Johnny as he fought back tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Johnny seemed to take her Tiddles' death quite well.  However, two days later when his father came home from work Johnny had tears in his eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the boy and shouted, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".





Declaration Of Independence                                       LJ00108

A teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"  He was older than some of the others. He said, "Damned if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe, as the teacher requested.  She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy.  "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said,  "Johnny, if you signed that thing, you damn well better own up to it!"





Defeat, Defense, Detail                                                  LJ00109

A teacher asked her students if they could use the words 'defeat, defense, and detail' in a sentence.

Little Johnny was a smarty, so he answered with, "De feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail."





Definitely                                                                        LJ00110

A nursery school teacher asks her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

The first little girl answers, "The sky is definitely blue," but the teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange, or purple and pink."

A second little boy answers, "Trees are definitely green." The teacher says, "Sorry,Timmy, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK", says Johnny, "then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants!"