Criticism                                                                        LJ00091

Little Johnny, eight-years old, had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, "Johnny, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

Little Johnny  looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."





Currency                                                                        LJ00092

Instructor: Students, please name some units of currency

Students: Dollor, Frank, Yen, ... etc

Little Johnny: Times

Instructor: Times? Which country does it belong?

Little Johnny: I don't know. My mom last night told me this cloth I am wearing cost me 17 times.





Dad Gets Screwed                                                         LJ00093

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife.  He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade Little Johnny to go along.  Finally he makes a deal with the boy. "I'll give you $5 bucks for every man you see go by in a red hat."

A while later Little Johnny comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts " Dad, if you think your getting fucked in *THERE*, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner convention going past."





Dad's War Story                                                            LJ00094

One day teacher Jane asked her class of 8 year olds to go home and think of a story with a moral behind it.  The next day she asked her class to tell her there stories.  "What's your story Mary Jane?" she asked one little lass.

"Well, we had 10 mummy chookies and each mummy chookie laid 2 googie eggs.  But when they hatched we only had 8 baby chookies (and one omelette)" said the enthusiastic youth.

"That's a lovely story Mary Jane," said Jane, "What's the morale behind it?"

"Don't count your chickens before there hatched."

"Very good," Teacher Jane added.

After a while Teacher Jane got to a young lad called Johnny.

"Ok Johnny, what's your story?", Teacher Jane asked wearily. (Johnny was not known for his high intellect).

"When my dad was in 'Nam," Johnny started, leaning back in his chair, "He was stuck in the jungle all by 'imself with no more then six bullets, a rifle with a bayonet on the end, and a bottle of scotch when all of a sudden 18 Viet Cong attacked him."

"OH!!!" said Teacher Jane, totally wrapped in the story, "What happened next?"

"Well first he skulled his bottle of scotch, then he shot six, bayoneted six and battered the rest to death with the end of his rifle."

"That's horrible Johnny," said the teacher thoroughly disgusted, "What's the morale behind that?"

"Don't pick on my old man when he's pissed."






Daddy And Aunt Jane                                                   LJ00095

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground  and go into the woods.  Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace."

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down.  She wants to hear the story.  So Little Johnny tells her.  "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.  I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.  I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.  Little Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."





Daddy's A Preacher                                                      LJ00096

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"





Daddy Longlegs                                                             LJ00097

Little Johnny was playing in the garden when he spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Johnny." he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Johnny asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Johnny asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Johnny thought for a moment, then took his foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"





Daddy's Smoking                                                           LJ00098

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."

The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes."

Then Little Johnny, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt."

"Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys.

Little Johnny  responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear..."





Daddy's Promise                                                            LJ00099

Little Johnny greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma.  Now maybe daddy will do the  trick he has been  promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear,"she asked.

Little Johnny replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again."





Worms                                                                           LJ00100

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"

Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm."

"No, she isn't," said Little Johnny.

"Why not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!"