Christmas Ultimatum                                                    LJ00081

Little Johnny was a mean, arrogant, foul-mouthed brat, and Johnny's father was tired of it.   Christmas was coming up, so he gave his son an ultimatum: "Behave yourself and you'll get what you want for Christmas; keep acting like a jerk and you'll get a pile of dog crap in place of the gift".

Johnny couldn't help himself when he told his dad what he wanted for Christmas.  It was habitual.  "I want a damned teddy bear laying right here beside me when I wake up on Christmas morning," Johnny said. "Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a train going around the freaking tree, and when I go outside I expect to see a new bicycle leaning up against the damned garage!"

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog crap.  Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog crap around the Christmas tree.  Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog crap by the garage.

When he came back inside the house, his dad smiled and asked, "So, Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "Beats the hell out of me. I think I got a dog but I can't find him."





Injury                                                                             LJ00082

Little Johnny came running into the house crying his eyes out and cradling his hand.

"Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" he wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mom.

"I pricked my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away." said Little Johnny.

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured him a glass of cider. Little Johnny immediately dunked his hand in it.

"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined Little Johnny.

"What are you talking about?" asked his increasingly perplexed parent.

"Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"





 Circus                                                                           LJ00083

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnny's favourites, the clowns.

Johnny is loving the clowns and their humourous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?"

"No" replies little Johnny "Are you the rear end of an ass?" "No"' replies little Johnny again. "In that case," says the clown, "You must be no end of an ass."

Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, "Little Johnny, don't worry. Your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out."

At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night. The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.

Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy are you the front end of an ass?"

Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice, "Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!"





Class Picture                                                                 LJ00084

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Emily; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's David, he's a doctor.'"

Little Johnny, at the back of the room, rang out, "And there's the teacher... she's dead."





Cold Cream                                                                   LJ00085

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"





Heaven                                                                           LJ00086

Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school one day. On this particular day, the teacher asked her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praised the little girl as a little boy raised his hand. He said, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"





Construction                                                                  LJ00087

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother.  She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?", his mother asks.

"I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies.  Mom says, "That's great!  How do you do that?".

"Well, first you get the son of bitch.  Then, you slap the piece  of shit up there but it's too fucking small.  So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn  thing up."

Johnny's mom is floored by his language.  "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!".

Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."

"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me", Dad asks?  "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap  the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small.  So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Dad screams, "That's it young man.  You go get a switch from the back yard."

Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"





Cookie Time                                                                  LJ00088

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time.  "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked.  She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around.  As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him "Here Little Johnny.  It's time for your cookie."

"I don't fucking want one," stated  Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See?  Did you hear what he said?"

"So don't fucking give him one," said Little Johnny's mother.





Correct Phrasing                                                           LJ00089

I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so I wanted them to work on it there.

I heard Little Johnny say very softly "Jesus Christ!".

I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

He looked at me, his eyes got very big and he said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"





Cream Of The Cream                                                   LJ00090

Little Johnny was walking down High Street with his mother. They stopped outside a womans clothing shop, Johnny's mother knew it would embarass Johnny to go inside, so she told him to wait outside.  Before Johnny's mother had a chance to go inside, little Johnny saw a used condom lying on the pavement.

"What is that mummy!?" he asked.

His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastilly said, "Ah, Um, It is a biscuit Johnny, but its on the ground so its dirty, don't touch it!"

Confident that Johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop.  When she came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.

"You didn't eat the biscuit, did you Johnny!?" she asked.

"Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from inside it."