Aunt Tess                                                                       LJ00021

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.

"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly!  You go right in and apologize to her!  Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."





Automobiles                                                                   LJ00022

The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family.  When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns."

Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation: "Automobiles!"





Babies                                                                            LJ00023

Two babies were sat in their prams, when one baby, Little Johnny shouted to the other: "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said Little Baby Johnny.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said little baby Johnny chuckling. "I'll climb into your pram and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's pram, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the little baby Johnny, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones!"





Baby Brother                                                                 LJ00024

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."





Baby                                                                               LJ00025

Little Johnny asks an expecting woman: "What is in your tummy ?"

"My baby!"

"Do you love him!"

"You betcha!"

"Why did you eat him then?"





Babysitting                                                                     LJ00026

Little Johnny was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

Little Johnny said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."





Bad Kids                                                                        LJ00027

At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

"Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."





Baked Beans                                                                  LJ00028

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary."





Anatomy                                                                         LJ00029

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"





Baptism                                                                          LJ00030

A father is in church with his young children, including his five-year-old son, Little Johnny. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. Little Johnny was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on his face, Little Johnny turned to his father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"