American History                                                          LJ00011

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."





Anatomy                                                                         LJ00012

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "By fur Miss?"

The teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?"

The teacher replies. "Not quite right either, Peter, anybody else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?"

Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"





Animal Game                                                                 LJ00013

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses.

"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."





Animals                                                                          LJ00014

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old son:

Mother:  "What does the cow say?"

Little Johnny:  "Moooo!"

Mother:  "Great! What does the cat say?"

Little Johnny:  "Meow."

Mother:  "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little Johnny looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud."





Answers!                                                                        LJ00015

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students: "Now tell me. What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny in the back bench replied: "A teacher."





Anyone Home?                                                              LJ00016

A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, named Little Johnny, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "She's busy."

Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "He's busy."

Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The fire department."

Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The police department."

Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're looking for me."





Appendectomy                                                               LJ00017

Five-year-old Little Johnny answered the door when the census taker came by. He told the census taker that his daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little boy. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"





Apple Juice                                                                    LJ00018

Two little girls are playing with a ball in the garden. The ball rolls under a nearby bush so Little Susie crawls under to get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a rose thorn stuck in her finger.

Crying, she runs indoors shouting "Mommy, Mommy, I've got a thorn in my finger! Get some apple juice!"

Mum says: "But why do you want apple juice? Wouldn't a bandage be nicer?"

Susie says : "Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says that  whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."





Artist                                                                              LJ00019

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler.  The fly didn't fly away.  So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away.  This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper.  With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.

Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school.  "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.

"That's nothing." replied the father.  "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick."





Asking God                                                                    LJ00020

Mother told her Little Johnny  to go to bed and be sure to say his prayers and ask God to make him a good boy.

Little Johnny's father,passing by the bedroom, overheard his son praying: "And make me a good boy if You can; and if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm having fun the way I am."